An Open Letter to Californian Motorists

Dead Californian Motorists,

This letter is long overdue, I assure you. Essentially I’m writing this to set down a list of grievances against you for which you should be shot out of a cannon directly into a brick wall, or at the very least, flogged with a fire hose with pieces of glass stuck in it. Call me the Martin Luther of motorists, but something must be done.

We’ll begin with the basics. You must consistently use your turning signals and that includes turning them off once you’ve entered the lane in which you want to be. My cerebellum twitches like a dying bird whenever I see one of you leave your signal on for two miles on a two-lane highway because you’re clearly distracted by the cell phone attached to your ear.

Once again, that cellular call you’re taking – I’m sure it’s mission critical, I’m positive your wife is calling you because she’s going into labor, or your husband is calling you to tell you about junior’s poor grades – but turn the damn thing off. Get a surgical implant/Blue Tooth/copy of the California Highway Code/lobotomy. It’ll help the insurance premiums when you rear-end another car.

Now, allow me to explain something to you that most motorists in other states seem to understand: A four-lane highway isn’t really a four-lane highway. It’s three lanes. That lane on the far right, the one you drive in with your unholy cell phone attached your head as your motor in complete obliviousness, is used to enter or exit the freeway. People on the on ramps want to be where you are. So…if you’re not about to exit the freeway or you just got on, move over or the ghost of Dale Earnhardt will run you into the concrete barricade at 20 MPH over the speed limit hopefully ensuring your demise, or at least giving you a debilitating injury.

And here’s another thing, let people into the fucking lane. If you are on the on-ramp you need to be accelerating, not slowing down because, this is gonna be a stunner, you need to match the speed of traffic in the lane in which you want to be. Get it. We are so freaking tired of you coming onto the lane 30 MPH slower than you need to be traveling. Why does this happen? Because you don’t understand the basic premise behind the Zipper Effect. When two lanes of traffic merge into one, the aforementioned effect comes into play. A car on the left merges, then a car on the right mergers, then a car on the left merges, then a car on the right merges and on and on. European’s understand this seemingly from birth. See how simple it is? If I see you jockeying for position as if the I5 is the Darlington International Dragway only to slow down and stay exactly one car length in front of me I’m going to flick a booger on your windshield and pray for an immediate lightning strike. And if you’re not letting people in because it’s imperative your car occupies that exact space, you’re an asshole. Let people in. Stop defending your position as if you’re the Russians holding off the Nazis at Stalingrad.

The lane second from the far right is the speed-limit lane. If you’re in that lane it’s understood that you’re driving the speed limit because you feel a compulsion to save on gas. Good for you. Keep that shit up. The next lane over, the third from the right or second from the left, is the fast lane. If you’re in that lane, for the love of all things holy, stay above the speed limit. Do not, under any circumstances, hit the gas to pass a car and then slow down. Don’t do this. Don’t tug on Superman’s cape, spit into the wind, pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger or slow down once you’ve passed someone in the fast lane. If you want to slow down get your retarded ass over into the other lane where you clearly belong. And another note on this, if I see you do that while you’re applying mascara/combing your hair/picking shit out of your teeth I will follow you home/to work/to the bar and slap a large sticker on your forehead that labels you an IDIOT, because that is clearly what you are. One more note on this topic: If a driver in the lane to your immediate right signals that he is coming into your lane and you're 100 yards behind him, DO NOT SPEED UP TO GET PAST HIM. What is wrong with you? I'm guessing you have just had an aneurysm that his disabled any brain function.

That other lane I was talking about, the lane on the far left, is the passing lane. It has always been this way. The passing lane is used to…oh, c’mon now, you know this one…that’s right, PASS other drivers. You do not travel exclusively in the passing lane. Californians, if I’m passing you on the right you are dumber than instructions on toilet paper.

Let’s start with these simple guidelines and in a few months we’ll progress to basic driving principles. I say basic because you are clearly too senseless to take Beginning Driving and we need to start you off in introductory classes.

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